[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
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Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?