@Stellacopter: Where did I get my scarf? It's a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
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@sofarrsogud: #MarriedPeopleIssues You hang up.. No, you hang up... You hang up.... Noooo, you hang up. They're your clothes. I'm not your maid.
@IAmMikeFeeney: What they say: "Hey, have you lost weight?" What they mean: "Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?"
@danimgrace: Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
@tuckerflodman: Dessert police! Open up! *breaks down door* Freeze! Cake it easy man, I'm Pudding you in Custardy! "Ugh, well isn't this just Flantastic."