where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
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Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life