Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
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Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.