“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
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You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.