“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
You Might Also Like
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
much to think about
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?