Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
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I think that’s enough internet for one day…
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
All set.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
this came to me in a vision