Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
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You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
incredible
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
That’s amazing.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
That’s enough internet for the day
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*