Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
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First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
My last name is Zilla.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.