where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
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Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
a fate I wish upon no one
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
The first one, obviously
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.