A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
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for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Thinking about Jeff
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
dads on road-trips be like
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk