“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
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i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Vodka burrito was a success
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.