@joshcomers: "Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?" (Dalai Lama job interview)
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@Firawesome: I told you I'm busy! Who are you going to believe, me or the last 20 tweets I posted?
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: you can't just deep-fry everything ME: what do you mean? WIFE: I mean put down the cat
@DomesticGoddss: Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren't going to school. Mon-1 Mom-0
@i_theindian: When your nose is running and your feet smell, you are not sick you're just built upside down.