“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
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I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Somewhere in an alternate universe
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up