@joshcomers: "Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?" (Dalai Lama job interview)
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@TheBeerGuy73: I'm skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack... waiting for me in the fridge at home.
@causticbob: Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security? Well it's the first thing they say when I approach them.
@NoTheOtherJohn: Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside Wife: What's wron- Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE [a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
@robfee: Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck, no one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.