“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
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IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid