Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
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[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
2023 was just a warmup
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Happens to everyone.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I put the p in pants.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.