Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
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Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.