Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
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for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.