Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
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Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that