Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
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Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover