Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
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[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
this makes me so uncomfortable
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive