Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
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I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
The asteroid..
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*