Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
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Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
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FINAL OFFER
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LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery