“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
You Might Also Like
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?