“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
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You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Velcrow
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.