Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
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when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”