Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
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My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.