i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
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I’d use my best pan on you.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”