Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
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ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure