“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
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Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?