Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
You Might Also Like
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
You deplete me
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan