Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
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*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.