As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
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What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!