-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
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Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
starting a garage orchestra
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.