WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
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I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.