“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
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[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
british sex workers really pound for pound
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”