“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
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[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Love this guy
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning