@WilliamRodgers: Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
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@wendchymes: Fight club but just dueling neighbor's aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other's lawns.
@sofarrsogud: *maintains eye contact while checking 'Dating Librarians For Dummies' out from the library.
@hmmwalsh: Twitter is perfect for men, because with men brevity is key. Beyond 140 characters they know they're going to say something wrong.
@ArfMeasures: CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom? ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small