Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
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Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep