Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
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*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Friday
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone