“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
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Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.