“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
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Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
I want what they have
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.