Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
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me irl
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Its true…
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not