@RumAndReeses: Whew, good thing there's a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we'd be in real trouble.
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@brynnester: [Restaurant] Waiter: Would Sir care to choose his lobster? Me: There's only 1 in the tank & he's holding a sign that says 'I have a family'
@KKAlThani: If you love something, set a cheese trap. If you catch it, it's a mouse. Why are you in love with a mouse?
@clarkekant: At some point in time, the brain named itself. You think it would have gone with something a little better, like Bernard.
@NicCageMatch: The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.