which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
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I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
🙁
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
this isn’t threatening at all
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs