which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
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Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Watermelon Boss!
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”