Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
You Might Also Like
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP