Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
You Might Also Like
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Somebody’s lying.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.