@TheSofiya: which is the Beyonce song where it's like we're independent but also you should marry us but like we're super-strong but also pay our bills
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@schumyxxx: When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for two?", I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see her too?".
@sammyrhodes: If you've ever wondered which of your friends loved V for Vendetta, you're in luck today.
@LaziestCanine: Murderer: IM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU Me: wow your hands are so soft Murderer: omg really Me: [caresses his hands] what moisturizer do you use
@WillSaysStuff: I'd pray to God to help me with my overbearing KFC addiction, but seeing as the Colonel is my God, I can see that being counter-intuitive.