which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
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Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I’m giving up for Lent.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years