which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
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Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.