Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
You Might Also Like
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment