“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
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I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔